deeply  rooted motherhood


I'm Not Enough

I don’t know, maybe I thought it would be easier.

I guess I figured:

I’ll sleep when she sleeps. I’ll meal prep once a week; it’s not too difficult. I’ll learn how to get ready faster, so I can look pretty when daddy comes home instead of like I’m as exhausted as I feel. I’ll be committed to reading the Word as soon as she naps. {Wait..sleep when she sleeps. How can I reconcile these two ideas again?} I’ll limit myself to volunteer for just one ministry so as not to stretch myself too thin. I’ll settle into a housekeeping routine soon. I’ll take the dogs on a walk 2-3x a week, because it’ll feel good to get us all out of the house & exercise. It’s just hard could it be? I’ll have so much time to blog since I’m staying at home. I’ll have so much time to keep the budget organized, make all the appointments, stay on top of the family calendar, send birthday cards, and remember when we need more toilet paper, since I’m staying at home. I’ll have so much time to XYZ since I’m staying at home. Oh, and I’ll totally create enough margin in my life for hospitality, being intentional with friendships, and the all-important “self care.” {But also, sleep when she sleeps, right? *wink*}

I think I figured wrongly.

I think I seriously underestimated how hard being a first-time-mom would be.

I’m floored by the reality of the pressure stay-at-home-moms feel. You’ll never understand until you are one.

It’s a double-edged sword, being a #SAHM in this culture. On one hand, you can look at Instagram & it feels like there’s a slow resurgence of pride in making it one’s "career" to be a mommy. There’s a shift in the air towards applauding women for it again. There’s community. There’s more support. There’s belonging. This is super empowering for moms who have chosen this way of life, especially in an age where it seems for so long that in order to be a woman of value to society, you’re required to work outside the home. On the other hand, I think most SAHMs still feel the judgement & the stigma.

At least, I know I do.

I’ve had to literally train my mouth to not add the word “just” before “a stay-at-home-mom” when describing what I do for a living.

And because homemaker is my occupation, I feel the crippling need to do it all and be it all — successfully. We’re supposed to have “the time” after all, aren’t we?

I’ve got the enemy in my ear proclaiming failure over my efforts as a wife and mom, declaring disappointment over how little I can tangibly produce in a day’s work. And I’ve got an army of Instagram accounts fighting back with the words I’m so desperate to hear, chanting, “YOU ARE ENOUGH, MAMA!”

But as good as that sounds in a moment of weariness, I’ve got to ask my Lord, is it really true?

In the stillness, He gently answers, “No.”

I am not enough. I am not enough for my husband. I am not enough for my daughter. I am not enough of everything that they desire, or even enough of what they need from me. And I never will be.

I was also never meant to be.

It’s a dangerous space to live when you deem yourself as savior of your family. We moms are so important, don’t get me wrong. We genuinely are a cornerstone for our people, but we’re not The Cornerstone.

The Gospel tells me that I can never measure up to God’s standard of holiness, no matter how hard I try (Romans 3:10-12). In fact, even what society considers to be “good” or moral about us is nothing but filthy rags in light of God’s righteousness (Isaiah 64:6). But praise the Lord for the gift of his Son, Jesus Christ, and that through the sacrifice of his blood we can become righteous in the eyes of the Father (2 Corinthians 5:21).

So when I begin to feel the pressure to be & do everything all the time mounting, I have to remember my number one job as a SAHM - teaching my little humans about Jesus, and committing myself to raise them to know & love the freeing truth of the Gospel. And to pray. I have to remember to structure my days so that what will matter for eternity comes first. Only by doing that and remaining dependent on the Holy Spirit to guide my parenting will I be “enough” for my family.

It’s 1:00am as I finish up here, because it’s not quiet enough in my mind to put coherent thoughts together until I’m alone & the baby has settled in for the night. And to be frank, I’m plum exhausted; equal parts happy to have written and irate at myself for not being in the middle of my REM cycle right now.

But hey, I’ll sleep when she sleeps, right?

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