deeply  rooted motherhood


Postpartum Body Meets Eating Disorder

I battled an eating disorder from the middle of my junior year in high school through my second year of college. Through an incredible community of people who loved Jesus and me, as well as counseling, the Lord graciously rescued me from that trial a few years ago. Unfortunately, the enemy continues to plant lies in my mind about my body image on a regular basis. This will likely be a struggle I’ll fight for the rest of my life here on earth, but I praise God for providing me with the strength to overcome it through the Holy Spirit. It’s the thorn in my flesh (2 Cor. 12:7-10) that keeps me dependent on Jesus, and I’ve learned to be content with that!

Needless to say, when Jordan and I got married, I was pretty afraid of becoming pregnant {at first}, knowing that it would likely be very difficult for me as I gained weight. The Lord was so gracious to me, allowing me to view my entire pregnancy the way it was intended, and truly celebrate the little life growing inside me. I can say with integrity that even though I was watching the number on the scale rise, I enjoyed the entire process and rejoiced over the changes happening in my body. 

Jordan was a huge positive influence during this time {still is!} as he always affirmed his desire for me as his wife. That continues to be one of my biggest questions these days — Do you still want me? Am I still beautiful to you? I have a hard time trusting his answers, because I don’t yet believe them about myself. I wish that wasn’t the case.

It would be really easy for me to post this carefully curated photo that makes my 15 extra pounds look pretty decent and say something inspirational about how mamas are warriors for what our bodies have been through. How every fat roll is worth it because it means we get to hold our sweet babies. How stretch marks are truly beautiful {even though I’m not showing mine}. And how we should love & accept our new selves because they are perfect just the way they are. 

It’s not easy for me to tell the truth, though. 

Here’s the ugly, gritty, raw truth.

This is my real post-baby body. And I’m not okay with it yet. I don’t love it right now. I’m having a really hard time with the fact that my maternity jeans don’t fit me great anymore so I had to go out and buy regular jeans that were size12 when I’m used to buying size 2-4. I find it difficult to accept that even though I know I’ll work hard to get back in shape and lose the weight now that I’ve been cleared to work out, my body composition will probably never look the way it used to. My hips are wider; my chest is broader. I’m struggling with the knowledge that I don’t have any idea how to lose weight in a healthy way, without simply starving myself. I look at this body in the mirror and I’m embarrassed by it. I’m ashamed of it. The skeletons in my closet are starting to rattle. I can hear them taunt me with the all-too familiar “You’re not good enough. Your husband is lying to you when he says he thinks you’re sexy. He loved you more when you were tiny.” And you know what, guys? That’s hard. It just is.

I don’t need pity, but I do need prayer. I know the truth of God’s Word. I know that this body is AMAZING for what it has done in the past several months & what it continues to do as it cares for and nourishes our baby girl. I look at her, and I would do it again 10,000 times just to have her. She’s worth it, and I’m learning to love the new me. I’m learning to champion myself, because when the Lord looks at me, he doesn’t see my weight and a purple forest of stretch marks. He sees a daughter that he loves, and he sees a sinner justified by his Son’s blood. He does see beauty. 

I’m posting this with trembling hands, SCARED TO DEATH to be this vulnerable and reveal these photos to the entire internet world. But you know what? I can, because my body — pre-baby, pregnant, or post-baby — does not define my worth. God defines my worth, and it’s simple: created in His image; very good (Gen. 1:27, 31).

So, mama friend, if you find yourself in the same place as me today, wishing you could believe that your body is beautiful and amazing after baby, but you’re just not quite there yet, know that it’s okay. You’re not alone in that, even though it seems like everyone on Instagram has it figured out already. 

And to my other friends, the ones not dealing with all the postpartum things, I hope you’ll be reminded of where your worth comes from today. You are so valuable and so loved by your Creator, whether you’re a size 2 or a size 12. 


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